GUESTS BEHAVING BADLY
Here’s one thing no one really talks about when you’re planning a wedding. Not everyone on your guest list reads the memo about behaving like a grown-up.
Today, Guests Behaving Badly. Not in a horror story sort of way, this isn’t an episode to terrify you into eloping in secret with two witnesses and a sausage roll. It’s just a bit of gentle guidance from someone who’s photographed more weddings than I’ve had cups of strong coffee on a 14-hour July Saturday.
Because when you gather a couple of generations of family, the odd work colleague, some enthusiastic university pals, and everyone’s plus one, well, the odds are someone might misbehave a little.
Weddings are elastic, they move, they sway with energy and because we’re dealing with ‘human beans’ my favourite description of people from the Big Friendly Giant, stuff happens that is off-script, and so this is a heads-up, so you can deal with it without, well, snapping.
Let’s go through a few of the usual suspects, and this is in no particular order.
The speech hijacker.
This person thinks they’re funnier than they are. Or they’re not on the speech list, but they grab the mic anyway, fuelled by a few drinks and misplaced confidence.
What to do?
Have someone you trust, such as a best man, maid of honour, or a friend who works the doors at the local Ritzy, quietly act as the mic manager. Let them know in advance who should be speaking. If someone unexpected makes a move for the mic, they can gently intercept. “Let’s save that for later” is a good go-to phrase.
Also, ask your venue or DJ only to give the mic to approved speakers. Most are happy to help keep things on track.
The unofficial photographer.
I’m not just mentioning this just because I am a wedding photographer, it’s something that can have real-time effect on your big day.
So, yes, the unofficial photographer. You know the one. Uncle Norman with his iPad. Or Cousin Karen with her DSLR and a new lens she just had to test out during your vows. Now, this isn’t a rant against guests taking pictures, people are more camera literate than ever, but it can and does get in the way, literally and metaphorically.
What to do?
Politely remind your guests in the invite, or even better, with a sign at the ceremony, that you’d love them to be present, not behind a screen. Some couples go for an unplugged ceremony, where the only person photographing is, well, the one you hired.
If you do want to keep it light, something like: “Phones away, hearts present.”
The bar hero (a.k.a. that guest who’s had four too many).
Every wedding has one. The enthusiastic dancer, the over-hugger, or the person who ends up asleep on a hay bale. Occasionally, it tips into the guest who becomes a bit too shouty, argumentative or emotional.
What to do?
First: don’t panic. Your guests are adults, and most just need a bit of water and a sit-down. But it helps to have someone, not you, keeping an eye out. One of the ushers, or a close friend, can be your low-key lookout. They’ll know when to suggest a break from the bar or a breath of fresh air.
Also, think about food timings. A well-fed guest is a slower-sipping guest.
I once asked a chef if it was really necessary to do thumping great pizzas in the evening when guests had only just eaten a couple of hours previous. Amidst the answers he gave was how it soaks up the alcohol during the post-meal drinks binge.
The no-show or surprise plus-one.
It’s the person who RSVPs yes… and doesn’t appear. Or worse, the one who brings a date they didn’t mention. These can cause awkward seat shuffles or caterers going into meltdown.
What to do?
Build in a couple of spare seats and meals. Talk to your venue or caterer about this; they’re used to it. And for rogue plus-ones, have your place cards done in advance. If there’s no name, it’s easier to politely direct someone to the correct seat or gently raise that they weren’t expected.
The fashionably late.
We’ve all seen it: someone sneaks into the back row mid-vows like they’re in a Bond film.
What to do?
Ask your venue or coordinator to delay entry once things have started. And tell your guests a slightly earlier time on the invite. If your ceremony is at 2pm, say 1:45pm, especially if you’ve got a relative/s with a reputation for tardiness.
The Over-involved parent (or guest planning committee)
This is the guest who wants to help... usually by rewriting your carefully planned day in real-time. Also, it is the guest, perhaps a bridesmaid or groomsman, who says, over and over, “At our wedding day.” I lose count of those who probably mean well, but have, if not forgotten, certainly not respected that this is not their day. They’re a component of it, for sure, but not the one under the spotlight.
From a photographer’s standpoint, just because they did that picture where the bridesmaids held the groom in their outstretched arms, you have elected not to. Anyway bee and bonnets dispatched, because this isn’t about me, it’s about your guests.
What to do?
Smile. Breathe. And remember, you’re not responsible for making everyone happy. Delegate someone they respect to gently steer them away. That might be a sibling or even your celebrant, who can diplomatically say, “The couple have chosen this plan, and it’s lovely, isn’t it?”
Final Thoughts.
Most guests are wonderful. They come to celebrate you, shed happy tears, eat cake and dance badly. But a little preparation, a few backup plans, and a couple of delegated lookouts can smooth over any bumps in the day.
Guests behaving badly? It's rarely catastrophic.
It's just another story from your wedding day… one you’ll be laughing about long before your first anniversary.
And if all else fails, just remember: every family needs at least one guest story that ends with, “Well, they meant well…”
Keep calm, get married.
